Connections

(I’m endeavoring to write down the thoughts I have as I have them, because waiting drys them out. Forgetting is death.)

Jules and I spoke on feminism, as we some times do. She shared an idea with me that has stuck with me like paste residue on a book cover. The thought goes something like, “The far right and the far left share a great many core concepts, but their reasons and goals are what make them different and even opposed. An example: Home-/un-schooling as a way to shelter your child versus home/-un-schooling as a way of freeing and broadening your child.”

I’ve come across, internally, another example. The character Jesus the Annointed, in the Christian Bible, tells his apostles to not lust after another person, specifically another woman, because to think an impure thought is to have already commited the sin. Modern Christians that I’ve interacted with and been taught by suggest a great many ways to keep ones thoughts from straying. I myself learn many techniques, one in particular sticking with me: the Eye Bounce. When seeing an attractive woman, don’t let your eyes linger, because that begets bad thoughts. Instead, learn to “bounce” your eyes off her, getting them looking at something else. I can still do this without effort or aknowledgement.

One of the reasons I quit religion, and Christianity in particular, is the oppressive focus on guilt and thoughtcrime. In my early teen years, as my sexuality became a focus instead of just “good feelings”, and I began watching/reading/viewing porn, I dealt with a lot of guilt and shame. Especially as I learned to masturbate, and learned to hide my interest in kink and alt-lifestyles. That took me years to fully get over. I had trouble with it until after I finally moved out, in fact.

I say all that to make the point that for me, not feeling guilty about my body, about sexuality, about lusting, about all of it, was and still is a victory for me. I broke away and found a better life that accepts and supports, not condemning and guilting.

In the last two years, I’ve learned a lot about feminism and equality and the principles behind QUILTBAG and able-ism and size-ism and every (obvs not actually) version of prejudice. I’ve learned some about rape culture and systemic sexism and patriarchal gender roles. I’ve also learned some about sexual objectivication (specifically of women), and its harmful role in suppressing marginalized views.

One idea is that men should not objectify women, period. By participating, even internally, we perpetuate a culture of debasing and dehumanizing women. So what that means for a man is to, you guessed it, Eye Bounce! We have now come full circle.

I am back to feeling guilty about finding a woman I’ve never seen before attractive because as long as I continue to do so, I make it easier to allow worse offenses in society around me. Same as making rape jokes, while not explicitly endorsing rape as an act, implicitly allows rapists to be let off with only three months or voting for politicians who make rape victims pay for their own rape kits.

So what do I do? What the fuck do I do? How can I find my own happiness?

The problems in our culture make me want to die. How does one look at this and see an end? I am generally optimistic about humanities future, but the American Right has me feeling more and more hopeless. It never ends.

Now I’m rambling, and wasting your time, dear readers.